Where I Am Right Now

Let me deliver this stream-of-conscious information to you with a caveat: I am not suffering from postpartum depression. I do not feel the desire to hurt myself or my baby. And I promise I'm not making light of situations that involve women who have or do feel this way. I guess this is my way of saying, "I understand how one can get there." But don't be worried about me after you read this post, please.

As I hope you all know (although it would be my fault if you didn't), our sweet Beau Asher has graced our lives with his presence. He has been with us for more than two weeks now. And he is such a joy and a blessing. Sweet, mostly mild-mannered, sleeps well, eats well, fun to be around.

However, I'm sharing with you where I am right now. I just went to the bathroom for the first time since 8 this morning. That's 11 hours ago. I'm starved, even though I just snacked not very long ago. So as I type, I'm taking breaks to scarf down leftovers. Lots of carbs. My right boob is hurting--again. But in a different spot this time. It's 7 p.m. To me this means two things: Cole's going to need a bath soon, and Beau's going to need lots, LOTS of TLC soon, because he's about to get very fussy for about 3 hours. And after Cole's bath, he's going to need to be put to bed. And I'm exhausted.

Did I have a nap today? No. I chose to go shopping for real shirts today instead of maternity clothes during my nap time. Nice to have the clothes; not nice to be sleep deprived. And Beau napped the entire time I shopped. Nice to have the ability to focus; not nice to be sleep deprived.

As I'm typing, Cole's piling a million CD's into my lap for some reason. And honestly, I'm trying to pretend he's not doing that. He's asking to listen to some annoying lady sing songs about him. "This song is for COLE, he's a special boy..." I just don't think I can handle that.

And bed time right now sounds great. But Biggest Loser is coming on in 50 minutes, and I really want to watch it. Looks like I'm making some choices today, huh?

I need to hear this is normal. I don't need to be scolded. I know I should nap when the baby's napping. I know Cole needs me to give him attention. (Now he's wadding up scraps of paper and chunking them at me while I search frantically for my happy place.) But honestly, I know I should have napped today, and to be frank, I think I'm doing pretty well not to yell at Cole for being himself--funny but with annoying tendencies.

So, that's where I am. I'm not really going crazy, but I need a break. I'd take a 24 hour break if it didn't mean I'd have to strap myself to a breast pump 8 times over the course of my break. So what I'm saying is that I'll go back to what I was doing 10 minutes ago. I'll get up from here, give Cole his bath, rush him to the bed in hopes that I haven't missed too much Biggest Loser, latch that baby on "to feed" (as Gilbert says) and hope that pep-talk I gave Beau about not being fussy tonight actually works. Because I guess this brief pause I allowed myself is all the break I'm going to be getting.


Dixie said...

Where do I begin....
First and foremost DO NOT feel guilty for shopping for shirts, watching biggest loser, blogging etc. These things keep you happy and sane and trust me you need both to handle two little ones! To make you feel better Kate is SCREAMING, and does every night from 7pm to 10 or 11, and sometimes through the night! Luke always needs my attention and is in fact saying, "Momma Kate is crying, she has doo doo", and "where is my paci" which he needs to be broke! Guess he thinks I am ignoring her, which I am cause it does no good when I pick her up,well nevermind just picked her up but still crying, now I am typing with one hand while she screams. Back to my motivation speech, it's hard and sometimes you want to yell, and sometimes I do ,but I am sure we will miss their babyhood, and wish we could go back to these days when they are teens, or adults who are out of our house. I can't give any advice cause I am going through the same thing, but all I can say is you are a perfectly normal AWESOME Mom. Now on to poo :(

Dixie said...

p.s. Dixie is Lindy, that's my alias ,long story, tell it to you on a later day!

Jeanne said...

Yep, sweet girl...everything you're feeling is completely normal.

I remember when I was pregnant with David (our 2nd), someone (evidently someone really, really stupid) told me, "Oh, two children aren't any more trouble than one." How dumb was that?

Well, I found out that the second one was really, really hard. But it does get easier...I promise!

Love you, sweet Kate, and remember...everything you're doing and going through and thinking and feeling is normal.

beanbw@hotmail.com said...

The first thing to impress into your own soul/heart/mind/body is: to take care of children well you must take care of yourself well. Don't lose Kate in the shuffle of which ones mouth to feed or bottom to clean, or as in your case...smell. This is probably just your crash course of reality with not just one anymore, but two. Taking deep breaths and counting to 25, etc. We try them all at one time or another. I found myself in the middle of a tug of war pulled in both directions. You are totally normal. Basically, it is a question for the next 20 years give or take, of priority. The stuff you know can wait, let them go. Do the things you want to do. You can't feed a newborn on snacks. Eat often and well. Who in the world got Cole annoying songs about him? Throw them away when you can. Also on the other hand, he's used to being the ONLY ONE, so he's learning a crash course in splitting his entire life with a new brother. Beau wanted us to give John back to the Dr. "if he keeps crying every night". The perfect balance of a working Mom? There is none. There is however, a common ground where pretty much everyone becomes adjusted, accepted and resolved to a point. It takes a little while to gain that ground, so don't be hard on yourself. Scream if you need to. You'll need to every now and then. Remind Dad many little jobs can be as easily done by him as Mom. Share the load. "you hate me"! where did he even hear that ultimatum? funny. WITH LOVE

Melanie said...

Yep! SO normal! The second is the hardest...it is QUITE a transition and the older child doesn't have anyone else to keep them occupied, so they spend their day piling CDs in your lap and wadding up paper to throw at you...just to test the limits of your sanity :) THIS TOO SHALL PASS, just like it did with the 1st. You'll all settle in to your new normal, you will sleep again, you will feel like yourself (and not just a breastpump/CD holder) again. The fact that you are reaching out for encouragement, and that you are struggling to be a calm and patient mom (whether or not you're succeeding--I don't on most days!) puts you pretty high up on the mommy scale. You are a wonderful and NORMAL mama! Hang in there!!!

Love from BG,

P.S. YAY for non-maternity shirts! That can ONLY help your outlook on life! :) I think it was a good trade...maybe you can sleep tomorrow!

Lee Fowlkes said...

Hey Kate. Okay, first of all, congratulations. I am so happy for you guys. Secondly, I'll tell you right now that I am not qualified to comment on if some of the things you are feeling are normal or not. If my right boob hurts, it is a completely different problem altogether.

That being said, there are some days that I get up early to get a head start. I am very productive on those days, but those days aren't always very much fun. Other days I do some things because I just want to. It isn't necessary, it isn't urgent, but I just want to. I usually pay for it later, but it gets me through. I think as long as there is a balance of those days I'll be okay. And if you decide that ignoring a whining/crying child to post something on the Internet is wrong, let me know so I'll quit doing it also. I keep reminding myself that it will be good for them in the long run.

You'll do fine. Just keep us posted, and tell Cole we asked for more info.

Holly Cooper said...

Oh Kate. . . more than one person told me something magical happens at the three month mark. . . siblings are better adjusted and baby will sleep longer. . . I'll feel like showering daily and maybe making a dinner that doesn't consist of hot dogs. . . Jess is six months now and I'm still waiting for the big break. . . I yell at Tommy more than I like to admit--just for being himself--just because I'm exhausted and can't find a clean towel in the house. . .my vacuum has a thick layer of dust on it along with everything else in the house. . . and I used to clean every single day. I took just Lexi and Tommy to church Sunday night and how nice it was to not lug a diaper bag and constantly bounce my leg! I felt huge amounts of guilt for thinking, "and now I've started from scratch again!" Was it nice? Yes. Would I trade my allergy-riddled-never-slept-a-full-night-in-his-entire-life-now-I've-gone-half-a-year-with-no-sleep baby? Absolutely not. Do I feel like putting both boys out for the mail lady to pick up and deliver to Bridgeport to their Nana? At least three times a week. Does it make me feel horrible? Yes. But I'm normal. . . so are you. . . and mothers who say they don't get overwhelmed and are always calm aren't being honest. . . or they are heavily medicated. :) I'll send you my cell and you can text me any time. . . even in the middle of the night. . . I'm probably awake! You are a fabulous mama. . . hang in there!

Gilbert said...

Is your husband a loser, or what?

Valerie said...

So, I wrote a long comment then decided that we should really just chit chat on the phone about this post... because I'M IN THE SAME BOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're on my phone call list for very soon..... uh, not sure when or how I can manage a phone call conversation, but I'll call ya!