Let me deliver this stream-of-conscious information to you with a caveat: I am not suffering from postpartum depression. I do not feel the desire to hurt myself or my baby. And I promise I'm not making light of situations that involve women who have or do feel this way. I guess this is my way of saying, "I understand how one can get there." But don't be worried about me after you read this post, please.
As I hope you all know (although it would be my fault if you didn't), our sweet Beau Asher has graced our lives with his presence. He has been with us for more than two weeks now. And he is such a joy and a blessing. Sweet, mostly mild-mannered, sleeps well, eats well, fun to be around.
However, I'm sharing with you where I am right now. I just went to the bathroom for the first time since 8 this morning. That's 11 hours ago. I'm starved, even though I just snacked not very long ago. So as I type, I'm taking breaks to scarf down leftovers. Lots of carbs. My right boob is hurting--again. But in a different spot this time. It's 7 p.m. To me this means two things: Cole's going to need a bath soon, and Beau's going to need lots, LOTS of TLC soon, because he's about to get very fussy for about 3 hours. And after Cole's bath, he's going to need to be put to bed. And I'm exhausted.
Did I have a nap today? No. I chose to go shopping for real shirts today instead of maternity clothes during my nap time. Nice to have the clothes; not nice to be sleep deprived. And Beau napped the entire time I shopped. Nice to have the ability to focus; not nice to be sleep deprived.
As I'm typing, Cole's piling a million CD's into my lap for some reason. And honestly, I'm trying to pretend he's not doing that. He's asking to listen to some annoying lady sing songs about him. "This song is for COLE, he's a special boy..." I just don't think I can handle that.
And bed time right now sounds great. But Biggest Loser is coming on in 50 minutes, and I really want to watch it. Looks like I'm making some choices today, huh?
I need to hear this is normal. I don't need to be scolded. I know I should nap when the baby's napping. I know Cole needs me to give him attention. (Now he's wadding up scraps of paper and chunking them at me while I search frantically for my happy place.) But honestly, I know I should have napped today, and to be frank, I think I'm doing pretty well not to yell at Cole for being himself--funny but with annoying tendencies.
So, that's where I am. I'm not really going crazy, but I need a break. I'd take a 24 hour break if it didn't mean I'd have to strap myself to a breast pump 8 times over the course of my break. So what I'm saying is that I'll go back to what I was doing 10 minutes ago. I'll get up from here, give Cole his bath, rush him to the bed in hopes that I haven't missed too much Biggest Loser, latch that baby on "to feed" (as Gilbert says) and hope that pep-talk I gave Beau about not being fussy tonight actually works. Because I guess this brief pause I allowed myself is all the break I'm going to be getting.
10.06.2009
8.06.2009
A funny (and crude) story...I guess I should get used to crude around here
A conversation with Cole this morning (I love doing these):
(Cole stands in front of me in his underwear, and he pulls them down just enough to show me his bottom.)
C: Mom, smell my bottom. It's stinky.
K: I don't want to smell your stinky bottom.
C: No, smell my bottom.
K: I'm not gonna smell your bottom.
C: (dramatically) You hate me.
K: I don't hate you. You know I love you very much, but I'm not sure I love you enough to smell your stinky bottom.
C: It's not stinky!
Oh my. What does my future hold?
(Cole stands in front of me in his underwear, and he pulls them down just enough to show me his bottom.)
C: Mom, smell my bottom. It's stinky.
K: I don't want to smell your stinky bottom.
C: No, smell my bottom.
K: I'm not gonna smell your bottom.
C: (dramatically) You hate me.
K: I don't hate you. You know I love you very much, but I'm not sure I love you enough to smell your stinky bottom.
C: It's not stinky!
Oh my. What does my future hold?
8.04.2009
The Bus Ride
Today I planned for Cole and myself to take the city bus to the library (two things we haven't done this summer, so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone [yes, I should be ashamed that we haven't been to the library all summer]). Cole has been fascinated with school buses and city buses for as long as he could inquire about them, and our bus tour on a converted school bus with cows painted on the side at Fair Oaks Farms, an awesome, fun dairy farm between here and Chicago, sent him over the edge. He had to have another experience with a bus. It was just too much for him to do without.
So I got online and learned about riding the Lafayette CityBus system--how to get on the bus, how to pay, and which was the correct bus for us to ride if we wanted to go from the closest stop for us (the Meijer store) to the library. Then I got on the Weather Channel website and made sure that we wouldn't be walking to our bus stop in the rain. The forecast was storms in at 6 a.m., cloudy all day, and then storms again around 4 p.m. So we were all set. And this morning, as we discussed our plans, Cole was thrilled and I was nervous.
We made it to Meijer just as the bus was pulling in to the parking lot, so we jogged to the stop, climbed on, put our money in, and chose a seat that put Cole's little head below the windows. But this boy was as content as could be. He didn't want to move and he didn't want to sit in my lap so he could see the diggers working on State Road 26. "I fine," he said, after having to answer my million questions that would enable him to be "fine" in my book. Such a big guy. And he asked his own million questions along the way, about the lights, the red levers on the emergency windows, the pull-cords that let the driver know when we need to get off.
We were delivered safely to our stop, and we walked the rest of the way to the library. When he got there he walked right up to the librarian and inquired where he might find Arthur and Curious George, and he proceeded to pick out his books. Then we got comfy and read a book, then chose an Arthur video, then pottied, and then headed out for the maybe 4 block walk to the bus stop.
Just as we got there I saw a bus pass by and wondered if it was ours, running a little early, but I knew another would come before too long, so I didn't sweat it. As we crossed the street to the corner, I pointed out to Cole that the sky to the left of us was extremely dark. And before long, those dark clouds were rolling right over us. But still, I was remembering the Weather Channel and was not concerned. Even when the huge rain drops started falling, we stood by a tree to stay pretty dry, and I was still not worried... until the lightening and thunder started, and two buses passed us on the opposite side of the road. So I started to consider that maybe we should be boarding the bus on that side of the road. So we crossed over and stood under the overhang of the Journal and Courier's private employee entrance. Despite being asked about 4 times by the sweet employees to come inside, I knew that we would not see the bus approaching if we went inside. So we continued to wait, watching both sides of the road for a bus to come. And I asked Cole numerous times, "Should we call Daddy, or do you want to wait for the bus?" "Let's wait for the bus," he'd say, with drippy hair and chattering teeth. Until finally, after probably 20 minutes, I did see a bus coming from the opposite direction. So I did a jay-walk move, running across to the other side so the driver would stop for me (I learned that on one of the videos I watched last night--if you're not on the correct side of the road, they won't stop for you.) I waved him down, and we were safely headed back.
And as Cole shivered on the bus seat, he still refused to let me hold him in my lap. He was taking this like a man. And the thought I couldn't get out of my mind was this: Had I been experiencing this by myself, I would have been nervous and grumpy. But having Cole there to experience it with me made it more of an adventure. I knew we were safe and that we'd eventually get where we needed to be. And as often as I'm reminded that many things in my life become a little more complicated with a boy standing at my feet, some things become more enjoyable with that little guy there with me. So despite the rain and wet, it was a good trip. And before we were even halfway back he was already asking when we could ride again. I would say that meant it was all worth it.
So I got online and learned about riding the Lafayette CityBus system--how to get on the bus, how to pay, and which was the correct bus for us to ride if we wanted to go from the closest stop for us (the Meijer store) to the library. Then I got on the Weather Channel website and made sure that we wouldn't be walking to our bus stop in the rain. The forecast was storms in at 6 a.m., cloudy all day, and then storms again around 4 p.m. So we were all set. And this morning, as we discussed our plans, Cole was thrilled and I was nervous.
We made it to Meijer just as the bus was pulling in to the parking lot, so we jogged to the stop, climbed on, put our money in, and chose a seat that put Cole's little head below the windows. But this boy was as content as could be. He didn't want to move and he didn't want to sit in my lap so he could see the diggers working on State Road 26. "I fine," he said, after having to answer my million questions that would enable him to be "fine" in my book. Such a big guy. And he asked his own million questions along the way, about the lights, the red levers on the emergency windows, the pull-cords that let the driver know when we need to get off.
We were delivered safely to our stop, and we walked the rest of the way to the library. When he got there he walked right up to the librarian and inquired where he might find Arthur and Curious George, and he proceeded to pick out his books. Then we got comfy and read a book, then chose an Arthur video, then pottied, and then headed out for the maybe 4 block walk to the bus stop.
Just as we got there I saw a bus pass by and wondered if it was ours, running a little early, but I knew another would come before too long, so I didn't sweat it. As we crossed the street to the corner, I pointed out to Cole that the sky to the left of us was extremely dark. And before long, those dark clouds were rolling right over us. But still, I was remembering the Weather Channel and was not concerned. Even when the huge rain drops started falling, we stood by a tree to stay pretty dry, and I was still not worried... until the lightening and thunder started, and two buses passed us on the opposite side of the road. So I started to consider that maybe we should be boarding the bus on that side of the road. So we crossed over and stood under the overhang of the Journal and Courier's private employee entrance. Despite being asked about 4 times by the sweet employees to come inside, I knew that we would not see the bus approaching if we went inside. So we continued to wait, watching both sides of the road for a bus to come. And I asked Cole numerous times, "Should we call Daddy, or do you want to wait for the bus?" "Let's wait for the bus," he'd say, with drippy hair and chattering teeth. Until finally, after probably 20 minutes, I did see a bus coming from the opposite direction. So I did a jay-walk move, running across to the other side so the driver would stop for me (I learned that on one of the videos I watched last night--if you're not on the correct side of the road, they won't stop for you.) I waved him down, and we were safely headed back.
And as Cole shivered on the bus seat, he still refused to let me hold him in my lap. He was taking this like a man. And the thought I couldn't get out of my mind was this: Had I been experiencing this by myself, I would have been nervous and grumpy. But having Cole there to experience it with me made it more of an adventure. I knew we were safe and that we'd eventually get where we needed to be. And as often as I'm reminded that many things in my life become a little more complicated with a boy standing at my feet, some things become more enjoyable with that little guy there with me. So despite the rain and wet, it was a good trip. And before we were even halfway back he was already asking when we could ride again. I would say that meant it was all worth it.
7.18.2009
Cole and his brother
Every time I pass through Bowling Green, I itch to have pictures taken by Melissa DeVries. She does such a good job! So this time when I passed through (toward the end of June), I set up a time with her and had some done. I'd wanted a few good pictures of Cole and his baby brother before he actually came along, and that's just what I got!
I LOVE that Cole already likes to interact with Brother (although when he gets here he might feel differently for a while!) He cracks up when he's sitting or lying next to me and he feels him moving. He says, "Mom, Baby Brother wiggling?" He also says, "Mom, tell Baby Brother to watch me." So I have to pull up my shirt and make BB "watch" while Cole does something interesting like flop on his bottom on the couch, do a flip, or jump on the bed. The other day when the baby moved and Cole felt him, he said, "What's Baby Brother doing?" So I said, "He's probably practicing that flip you taught him the other day." Cole just grinned.
So I wanted Melissa to capture his excitement about his brother, even if he doesn't totally get what's going on. As you'll see, she did an awesome job.
I LOVE that Cole already likes to interact with Brother (although when he gets here he might feel differently for a while!) He cracks up when he's sitting or lying next to me and he feels him moving. He says, "Mom, Baby Brother wiggling?" He also says, "Mom, tell Baby Brother to watch me." So I have to pull up my shirt and make BB "watch" while Cole does something interesting like flop on his bottom on the couch, do a flip, or jump on the bed. The other day when the baby moved and Cole felt him, he said, "What's Baby Brother doing?" So I said, "He's probably practicing that flip you taught him the other day." Cole just grinned.
So I wanted Melissa to capture his excitement about his brother, even if he doesn't totally get what's going on. As you'll see, she did an awesome job.
7.13.2009
I'm doing this to myself again?
Maybe it's because I kind of liked seeing pictures of myself in the same position almost exactly three years later, or maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and low self-esteem, or maybe this time I'm thinking that I'm not going to look as rough in this current picture as I did in the last one, but I'm posting a "pregnant now" picture vs. a "pregnant then" picture again. Let's see if I feel any better about myself this time...
This is me today.
This was me on June 15, 2006, with a sweet Cole in my belly. (Maybe about 29 wks?) Right now I'm 31 weeks, somewhere between the above...
and this one on July 15, 2006. (About 33 weeks?)
So I don't look quite as tired today at 2:30 in the afternoon as I did at about 10 p.m. in the last picture I had Gilbert take. I do think I look a little more like a mom in today's picture. Hmmm. As much as I risk lowering my self-esteem by comparing this pregnancy to the last one (including weight gain by the dr. visit!), I do kind of like doing it. Am I nuts or what?
This is me today.
This was me on June 15, 2006, with a sweet Cole in my belly. (Maybe about 29 wks?) Right now I'm 31 weeks, somewhere between the above...
and this one on July 15, 2006. (About 33 weeks?)
So I don't look quite as tired today at 2:30 in the afternoon as I did at about 10 p.m. in the last picture I had Gilbert take. I do think I look a little more like a mom in today's picture. Hmmm. As much as I risk lowering my self-esteem by comparing this pregnancy to the last one (including weight gain by the dr. visit!), I do kind of like doing it. Am I nuts or what?
Beach Photos
We just got back a few days ago from a week in Destin with my parents, my little sis, and my niece. We had lots of fun. Just wanted to share a few photos with you. (Some of you may have already seen many of these on fb.)
6.12.2009
More funny conversations with Cole
Conversation #1:
Gilbert's getting ready for work and Cole walks in while he's putting gel in his hair.
Cole: Daddy, what you doing?
Gilbert: Putting gel in my hair.
C: Why?
G: So I can pick up chicks.
Later, at the mall:
Kate: Cole, we need to go show Daddy your new glove and bat (Yeah, the real deal. I couldn't say no.)
C: No, Daddy's picking up chicks.
Conversation #2:
K: Cole, it's bed time.
C: No, I don't need to go to bed. I happy.
Conversation #3:
After finishing his bedtime story:
C: Mom, you lay down with me?
K: Not tonight. I'm going to go downstairs.
C: No. You tired. Let me see...(as he pokes his fingers into my mouth and pries my jaws open) Yeah. Your mouth is tired. Let me see... Eww! You got dirt in your mouth!
K: Uh-oh. What should I do? Brush my teeth?
C: No. Spit it out.
Then, after he schools me in the right way to spit dirt out into his hand:
C: I'll put it in the flowers tomorrow.
Love, love, loving this age. I need to be writing more down.
Gilbert's getting ready for work and Cole walks in while he's putting gel in his hair.
Cole: Daddy, what you doing?
Gilbert: Putting gel in my hair.
C: Why?
G: So I can pick up chicks.
Later, at the mall:
Kate: Cole, we need to go show Daddy your new glove and bat (Yeah, the real deal. I couldn't say no.)
C: No, Daddy's picking up chicks.
Conversation #2:
K: Cole, it's bed time.
C: No, I don't need to go to bed. I happy.
Conversation #3:
After finishing his bedtime story:
C: Mom, you lay down with me?
K: Not tonight. I'm going to go downstairs.
C: No. You tired. Let me see...(as he pokes his fingers into my mouth and pries my jaws open) Yeah. Your mouth is tired. Let me see... Eww! You got dirt in your mouth!
K: Uh-oh. What should I do? Brush my teeth?
C: No. Spit it out.
Then, after he schools me in the right way to spit dirt out into his hand:
C: I'll put it in the flowers tomorrow.
Love, love, loving this age. I need to be writing more down.
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